Jack Wynne

Birth Story
Jack Christopher Wynne

You were born in the wee hours of the morning on Thursday, August 21, 2014. It was 1:29am to be exact. After nearly an hour of pushing, there you were. I couldn’t have been more amazed by the perfection that was you.

On Wednesday, August 20 my day played out as any other day had in my final weeks of pregnancy. My back was aching as soon as I got out of bed and I didn’t attempt to leave the house until your Dad came home from work. Driving had become far too uncomfortable for me in those last couple of weeks. You were very active that Wednesday morning, as you always were. In fact, Dr. Patarra had been telling us throughout my entire pregnancy that you were an unusually active baby, which I already knew since your head had been resting snuggly against my cervix since my twentieth week of pregnancy. I smiled whenever the doctor commented on how active you were because I’ve always been told that it’s a good indicator of how a baby will be even after they are born; it’s absolutely not a myth. You’ve gone from kicking me in the rib cage to kicking everything within your reach, definitely one active little guy.

So I waited that Wednesday for your Daddy to come home from work so we could take our evening walk on the Silver Strand (to Coronado), which is about fifteen minutes from where we live. Within the past week we had decided it would be best if we started shortening our walks, so we would walk five minutes in one direction away from the car and then back toward the car again. We would repeat this a few times and then go home. Although I was only 37.5 weeks pregnant, but we both had a feeling you would make your entrance into this world on your own time.

After our walk that evening, we ate dinner together and I decided to spend some time bouncing on our yoga/medicine ball. I began having mild contractions around 5pm that evening and within thirty minutes or so I began to notice that my contractions were about five minutes apart. Originally I had planned to wait until my contractions were closer together before heading to the hospital, but it was your Daddy who started loading things into the car right away! I could tell he was a little nervous and just wanted to get to the hospital in case things began progressing quickly, which they did.

We arrived at the hospital around 6:15pm that Wednesday evening and the triage nurse checked my cervix. I was already 5cm dilated, but they wouldn’t admit me until I was at least 6cm dilated. I was told to go home and come back in two hours since I wanted a natural labor. I knew I would be 6cm dilated in no time, so we decided to stay at the hospital and walk around for those two hours. Within thirty minutes my contractions were two minutes apart and I was drawing quite a bit of attention from other patients and visitors as they walked through the quarterdeck of the Naval Hospital. With each contraction, I flung my arms over your Daddy’s shoulders and practice the hypno-birthing techniques I had read about to manage pain. I envisioned the letters of the alphabet rolling toward me, three at a time… A, A, A, B, B, B, C, C, C, etc.. I guess you could say it was working because we made it through those two hours and as your Daddy wheeled me back to the Labor & Delivery wing, my contractions were about one minute apart.

At this point my cervix was 7cm dilated, but pushing 8cm dilated. We met our midwife, Vanessa and our nurse, Monica. They were both amazing. Chris was quick to set up the room to make it as relaxing as possible. We had brought a small oil diffuser to promote relaxation and we diffused some frankincense. I chose not to have an IV or to have any pain medication at all. We also chose to have intermittent fetal monitoring so the midwife could monitor your heart every 90 minutes or so, but so I could also use the yoga/medicine ball during labor. Things progressed so quickly and before midnight I was begging your Daddy and Vanessa to let me start pushing. I didn’t have to wait long because my water broke a few minutes later and I was fully dilated. The pushing was so much harder than I had anticipated. I remember thinking that I wasn’t making any progress, but Vanessa reassured me that I was a “great pusher” and things were going perfectly. I also remember saying, “I can’t do this” a couple of times, and then hearing Vanessa and Chris say, “You’re doing it!!!” Reminiscing on that still makes me smile. The look on your Daddy’s face was partly adrenaline induced and partly shock. As he held my right leg and half of my upper body, I knew I had never needed him more or loved him more than I did right then.

I don’t know exactly how long I pushed before Vanessa said your head was mostly out, but I didn’t have the courage to look at you (with a mirror) as you emerged. I kept asking over and over, “Is he ok?” Before I knew it, Vanessa was telling me to put my hands down and grab you (as I had requested in my birth plan). Your shoulders were just making their way out as I took hold on you, brought you into my arms and guided you the rest of the way out and up onto my chest. You were so alert but barely crying. You just stared straight into my eyes…you knew me right away. I couldn’t even cry because I was so in awe of you. Maybe I did cry, but it was the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t believe that I had just given birth to this beautiful and perfect little boy.

The nurses weighed you at 7lbs 6.5 ounces and measured you at 20.5” long. You were perfect. Our midwife and nurses kept commenting on how alert you were, which is common for babies who are born without the help of pain medications. You were also born pretty hungry, as you nursed within twenty minutes of being born. Your latch wasn’t perfect yet, but we were both still learning at that point.

Watching your Daddy hold you for the first time will always be one of my favorite lifetime moments. You looked so small in his arms and he looked so at ease with you. Proud.

I cannot tell you how healing your birth was for us. It was less than a year and a half ago that I delivered your sister, Aubrey Rose at that very same hospital, on that very same floor. She was born still, a sleeping angel and what a vastly different experience that was. I didn’t anticipate just how peaceful and healing my birth experience would be with you. You are more than we could have asked God for and you continue to brighten our lives and fill our hearts with so much joy, each and everyday. Mommy and Daddy love you endlessly, Jack Christopher Wynne.

 

Aubrey’s First Birthday in Heaven

One year ago, I delivered a beautiful sleeping angel into this world and into my own heart, forever. Her name was Aubrey Rose and she was the most precious thing I had ever laid my eyes on. After learning that our daughter’s heart had stopped beating on an ultrasound scan at over 23 weeks gestation, I was induced the same day. Next, I spent almost twenty three hours in labor and naturally gave birth to our beautiful baby girl. The medical team we had been assigned completely shaped the experience we had during that time. We were blessed to have a wonderful doctor and nurse stay by our side during the entire process and we’ll forever be grateful for the impact they made on our lives. They treated Chris, Aubrey and myself with so much thoughtful care and consideration and I’ll never forget that. I made the cards (shown above) for that very same doctor and nurse and brought them a small gift on this day to celebrate their kindness as Chris and I also celebrate Aubrey’s first birthday in Heaven.

Jack Christopher

I’m currently over 24 weeks pregnant with our Rainbow baby, Jack Christopher Wynne. Our pregnancy has been a healthy one and I’m so thankful to be able to say that. It’s a little insane that my due date with Jack is only a little over a week earlier than my due date was with our angel, Aubrey Rose. That means all of our pregnancy milestones (with Jack) have been at virtually the same time as they were with Aubrey, only one year later. It’s been bizarre to say the least, as well as emotionally taxing.

This experience has truly challenged me to appreciate what and what I’ve been blessed with. I’ve been extremely blessed with a healthy pregnancy this time around and now that I’m passing the gestational age in my pregnancy when Aubrey passed away, it’s becoming easier for me to focus on this new baby.

About my pregnancy:

When we found out: We found out we were expecting on December 29, 2013. We were completely surprised and I was not expecting a positive test so shortly after my previous miscarriage in November 2013.

How we announced our pregnancy: We announced our pregnancy to family and close friends via a postcard pregnancy announcement around the 13th week of our pregnancy.

Finding out baby’s gender: first of all, I had a very strong feeling that this baby was a girl. When we had an ultrasound at fifteen weeks, our doctor told us that she could clearly see the gender and asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We immediately said yes and our doctor told us that baby was in fact, A BOY!! I was stunned. It took a couple of days for the reality to settle in, and since then we’ve both been so excited that we’ll be welcoming a sweet little boy into our arms soon.

How we announced the gender: We had a gender reveal baby shower in Washington and we announced that we are expecting a baby boy in August. We used a “volcano” gender revealer to reveal the gender at the shower!

My pregnancy so far: So far I’ve experienced heartburn, severe sciatic nerve pain, a pinched nerve in my back and spine, and minor swelling. I’ve also experienced bouts of nausea and fatigue, but nothing I haven’t been able to handle. One of the things I knew I would want this time around was a fetal heart doppler/monitor. I’ve used it on and off since the fifteenth week of our pregnancy and Jack’s heart rate is almost always 130-145 bpm.

How we chose our baby’s name: We’ve had the name, “Jack” picked out since we were first married. We both loved the name and it was the first baby name we ever agreed on. Chris and I both feel that “Jack” is a strong name and it’s also the name of his paternal Grandfather. “Christopher” was an easy choice for the middle name because it’s my husband’s name and I’ve always loved it!

Our Rainbow

I’ve mentioned before that babyloss parents often refer to their first baby after a loss as their “Rainbow baby.” Much like a rainbow after a storm, a rainbow baby brings light into a world that was once dark and filled with grief and mourning. We thought that we had become pregnant with our rainbow baby when we received a positive pregnancy test in October of 2013, but later miscarried in November. The loss was difficult to manage, both physically and emotionallY.  Experiencing another loss so shortly after Aubrey’s death affirmed and amplified the grief I was already feeling.

Just weeks later, on December 29th, 2013 we found out we were expecting again! We were stunned to say the least. Our doctor (the same doctor we had when Aubrey was born and through our second loss) explained that it’s very common for couples to become pregnant shortly after experiencing a miscarriage. It took me several weeks after learning that we were pregnant to accept that things could be different this time.  Although I knew from previous testing that we had no greater chance than the average couple of losing a baby or having an unhealthy pregnancy or baby, I still felt that the innocence of pregnancy had been stolen from me. Even now, at just over six months pregnant, I want to pinch myself sometimes just to believe that it’s all real.

It’s real. We found out in February that we are expecting a baby boy and he is very healthy! We are lucky enough to continue seeing the same doctor who delivered Aubrey Rose last year and as a courtesy to us, we see the same specialist I saw when I was pregnant with her as well. There has been a lot of anxiety surrounding the milestones in this pregnant, as my due date is very close to my due date (one year later) with Aubrey. I’m now over 24 weeks pregnant and we couldn’t be more excited to meet our little guy. Chris and I have been busy painting the nursery and setting everything up, and we even had a gender reveal baby shower with friends and family.

Things I remember

I remember feeling her kicks the night before. I remember falling asleep that Mother’s Day evening with a smile on my face and a hand on my belly. I could feel her subtle movements inside my belly and I remember praying that night, as I had every night for months. I remember whispering, “I love you, Aubrey” before I fell asleep.

I remember the silence. All I heard was silence. Silence where my baby’s heartbeat should have been, silence as my doctor tried to find the missing heartbeat, silence as my husband and I shared worried glances. The silence that was the first indication our lives were about to become forever altered.

I remember hearing the words “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. I remember staring at the screen in disbelief and my whole world came to a stop. I’ve never felt so out of control or so helpless.

I remember the two hours we left the hospital to gather some things. The only thing I could think of was that the baby blanket we had made for Aubrey would be too big to swaddle her in. We went to Target to buy receiving blankets to bring with us to the hospital. I chose the smallest ones I could find.

 

But I don’t just remember the sad things.

I remember her. My firstborn. My baby girl. My Aubrey Rose.

I remember her hair. Aubrey’s dark curls, just like her Daddy’s. My small button nose and a slightly downturned mouth with a top lip that just barely overlapped her bottom lip. I remember her dainty, yet perfect ballerina toes and crossed legs.

I remember the memories we created with her. I remember the complete joy and pride I felt holding her in my arms, knowing that her Daddy and I had made something so beautiful. I remember the peace that came with finally meeting her and being able to see her face.

I remember wanting to talk about my baby girl, but no one asked. People don’t want to hear about the death of a child, it’s too sad and too uncomfortable. I remember trying to fit into a world that I felt I no longer belonged in. I remember wishing that I could be in Heaven with Aubrey instead of here without her.

As we approach Aubrey’s first birthday in Heaven, I still remember these things. It feels like yesterday that I held our sweet baby girl in my arms. My grief isn’t gone, but it has changed. Mommy loves you, Aubrey Rose.

 

Baby Sam

I have avoided writing this post for almost two months. This is a story about our baby who we lost at seven weeks gestation. In October we found out that we were expecting our second baby. After losing Aubrey in May to a severe cystic hygroma, due to complications from her Turner Syndrome, we were reassured that we were at no greater risk for pregnancy complications than the next person. We were told by several specialists that our next pregnancy should be completely normal. When we found out I was pregnant, I was only about four weeks along. For the three weeks that followed I had such a sense of restored hope in what the future would bring. I began feeling pregnancy symptoms, but I also couldn’t let go of the aching feeling that something might be wrong. On November 10, 2012, I miscarried our sweet baby. The experience is heartbreaking and it hasn’t been easy to wrap my mind around how something like that can happen. Losing two babies in one year isn’t how I pictured my young married life.

I decided to name our baby, Sam. I was only about 7 weeks pregnant when I miscarried Sam so we obviously didn’t know the baby’s gender. When I was nineteen, I babysat a little boy named, “Sam” and he was a happy a baby with golden hair. My time spent with him is what made my yearning for motherhood so concrete.

I can’t truly explain why losing Sam made me miss Aubrey even more than I already did. Being pregnant again renewed by hope in the life I had dreamt for us and losing that hope really shook my faith to it’s core. I once read the book called, Heaven is for Real where a little boy’s story is recanted about a time when he underwent a serious surgery, briefly died on the table and went to Heaven. While visiting Heaven, this boy met his older sister who, unbeknownst to him had been miscarried by his mother early in her pregnancy. The sister knew her brother immediately and told him how excited she was to meet the rest of her family one day. The little girl didn’t have a name because the Mother wasn’t very far along in her pregnancy and didn’t think to name the child.

More than anything, I look forward to meeting my children in Heaven, and I know in my heart that we will recognize one another when we do meet. I find a bit of comfort knowing that Aubrey is not alone and that she has Sam with her. Giving Sam a name felt more right than not. I never thought I would be the woman with two deceased children and none living. As sad as it might be for others to hear me acknowledge my babies, I feel that there’s no other way I could go on living in this life without making them a part of mine.

“I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

~ John 14:27, NLT

“Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles.”

~ Psalm 119:50, NLT

I never thought my daughter’s first Christmas would also be her first in Heaven. Today, I mustered up the courage to hang Aubrey’s stocking, a stocking I truly never intended to buy. The thought of hanging a stocking for Aubrey was just too painful. I considered the tradition that will inevitably follow each Christmas and how our future children will surely watch me hang Aubrey’s stocking next to their own. The emptiness in my life that her stocking represents is dangerous and looming. I’m reminded daily of what would have been or could have been had she survived her sickness. I didn’t need another physical sign of what we lost that day in May.

Yet, several weeks ago, I found myself in my local Target store a mission to purchase one last string of lights for our Christmas tree. I lingered for a moment on one of the decor aisles, admiring various things when I saw it; a stocking that nearly matched the pair that Chris’s Mother made for us, two years ago . I immediately took the stocking in my hands and ran my hand over the rough-textured burlap stocking. It wasn’t an exact match, but it couldn’t have been more perfect. Tears immediately stung my eyes and I decided I couldn’t go home without Aubrey’s stocking. Now we have three stockings hanging in our home and I wouldn’t have it any other day. Someday our future Children will help me decorate our home for the holidays and they will fully know their big sister the way that Chris and I do. She will always be a present part of our family.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below,
with tiny lights like heavens stars
reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
but I am not so far away
we really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me dear ones,
you know I hold you dear
and be glad I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus this year.

I sent you a special gift,
from my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all love is a gift more
precious than pure gold
it was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do
for I can’t count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear
remembering I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Christmas Without Aubrey

There are diapers in the guest bedroom at my Mom’s house. Our spare room in our own home has a rocking chair, a closet full of baby essentials, and some miscellaneous nursery decor scattered about. This Christmas, we are missing someone in our family. I now feel completely right in saying that Aubrey should be here with us. I used to think that allowing myself to feel cheated by God was the same as feeling entitled. Now I know that it’s quite different. Aubrey was and will always be our daughter. Do I feel cheated or let down by God because she’s no longer with us? Absolutely, I do. That doesn’t mean that I love my God any less or that I have forgotten my faith because my daughter was ripped away from me. If anything, I have more faith because Jesus has never left my side (not even once) since before any of this ever happened. My grief is ever-changing, but it never completely leaves me. Some days it washes over me like a slow and steady current. Other times, it comes crashing down like a tidal wave.

This Christmas, we have many reminders of what’s missing in our lives. We visited our home state of Washington knowing that this visit should have been the first time our families would meet our sweet baby girl. At this moment I likely would have been nursing my sweet angel and admiring her tiny, almost three month old features.

This is an ornament on my Mom’s Christmas tree with a photo of me, taken when I was about 6 weeks old. I haven’t let myself truly think about what my Aubrey Rose would look like right now, and how expressive she would be. It’s difficult enough seeing September born babies with their blissful, yet sleep deprived Mamas. If only they knew how blessed they truly are, or what I would do to be in their shoes.

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

~ Hebrews 10:36, NLT

Aubrey’s Due Date

Today would have been Aubrey’s due date. We would have brought her home from the hospital around this time. We should have had her nursery set up weeks ago and I would have been taking lots of cat naps and waiting for labor pains to begin. The words, ‘should have’ and ‘supposed to’ bother me in a sense, and I’m not exactly sure why. In a way I feel like we were supposed to have her here with us now, and I’m still angry that she was taken so early. In a much more faith driven sense, I know that Aubrey is where she’s supposed to be and I have a bit of peace because of that. 

This day is strange. I once heard a Mother say that it’s easier for those without living children to have a baby pass away. At the time this truly hurt my feelings. I thought that it was an insensitive thing for her to say, how could she possibly know? She said that it was easier because those without earthly children could not fully grasp what they had lost. Now, maybe I agree a little bit. I’m not saying that this is easy for me, trust me it’s not. But, I do agree that I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around what we’ve lost. I know I’ll continue to grieve for Aubrey for the rest of my life. When we have more children I’ll probably grieve for her differently than I do now. 

I have a box in our room filled with memories from the day Aubrey was born. I have her footprints, two tiny caps that she wore, matching outfits, a small piece of her dark curly hair, and the clip for her umbilical cord. I have all of the blankets that we wrapped her in that day, and the one we had made for her with her name embroidered. I have all of her ultrasound photos and photos of her the day she was born sleeping. Lastly, I have photos that the nurse took of Chris and I holding our sweet baby girl. That day was so bittersweet. We were given hours to meet our beautiful baby girl, knowing that we would have to say goodbye that same day. 

Every now and then I begin to doubt God’s plan for us. Today is one of those days. My heart aches for my daughter and I long to be with her again. 

“The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.”  -Psalm 34: 17-19

We spent today honoring Aubrey’s short life. This photo was taken at Huntington Beach, CA.